(I realize that this is not a personal blog, but I hope you’ll humor this brief autobiographical detour).
It’s 5:00 AM, and I cannot fall asleep. Not when my mind is so awake.
I’m arrested by thoughts about my sexual orientation. If you’re a friend or frequent reader, you probably know that I’m bisexual. That fact isn’t usually at the fore of my consciousness. But lately, several experiences have made me more aware of my sexuality and my relationship to the LGBT community.
The first experience was watching 8: The Mormon Proposition. I saw it in theaters a couple of weeks ago, and again last night with my family (they enjoyed it, by the way). The second experience was a friend of mine recently coming out on Facebook. And the third experience was listening to this emotional podcast/interview where Nate Koch shares his struggles as a gay Mormon at BYU and in the mission field.
These things reminded me of the extent of discrimination against the LGBT community—discrimination that I’ve been largely insulated from. Don’t get me wrong. My life would have been easier were I straight (especially when I was Mormon). But relative to others, I’ve had it easy. I have incredibly loving parents and understanding friends. They took the news that I am bisexual pretty well. And because of my positive experience, I’ve had a harder time empathizing with the very real problems facing other LGBT individuals.
Another reason why I felt detached from the LGBT community is because as a Mormon, I was taught that I wasn’t in fact bisexual. I was instead a heterosexual boy with occasional homosexual temptations—a “so-called homosexual,” as President Gordon B. Hinckley was fond of saying. I internalized that teaching and to this day cannot totally shake this notion of myself as fundamentally heterosexual. So when I’d attend L.I.F.E. meetings at USU (the gay-straight alliance there), I felt like I was there as a straight “ally.”
This detachment has allowed me to be insensitive toward gays and gay rights at times. Believe it or not, I actually supported Proposition 8 for a few days back in 2008 (over concerns about religious freedom). And earlier this year, I only semi-jokingly told a friend that homosexuality is a mental illness that belongs back on the DSM IV.
Well, consider this my (second) coming out—this time not as a bisexual, but as a proud member and supporter of the LGBT community. The three experiences above gave me a greater appreciation of the urgency and importance of gay rights.
So to my LGBT friends: I love you, and I’m sorry for having been a lackadaisical LGBT advocate. Much more importantly, you should love you. We are normal human beings entitled to same rights that our heterosexual counterparts enjoy.
I am preaching to the choir on that point, no doubt. I just needed to say it for myself.
Now I can sleep.
I know you’re cryin’ your heart out, but one thing really intrigued me here:
I internalized that teaching, and to this day cannot totally shake this notion of myself as fundamentally heterosexual. So when I’d attend L.I.F.E. meetings at USU (our gay-straight alliance), I felt like I was there as a straight “ally.”
I wonder if most (or a sizeable number) of bisexuals in the church internalize such a teaching? I mean, from what I understand about bisexuals (which is not much), can’t there be differing levels of attraction for each sex? So, if someone is more strongly attracted to the same sex, then would they just say they have “stronger” or “more frequent” temptations?
Precisely. I think bisexuals fall prey to this teaching much easier than homosexuals do. And it’s not only a problem with bisexuals raised in the LDS Church. In general, many bisexuals feel like a stranger in both the LGBT and straight communities. Bisexuality, for instance, is considered by some gay people to be a faux homosexuality—a cover for the fact that I’m really 100% gay and just too afraid to admit it. I guess this is similar to how some atheists think of agnosticism.
Among my gay friends, I feel straight (relative to them), and among my straight friends, I feel gay (relative to them). It can be frustrating.
Yeah, there is a lot of biphobia (and transphobia) in the gay community. It’s really sad, because you’d think that the one group who’d know not to act like that would be gays and lesbians.
Do you have any other bi friends? I have one male friend who vacillates between identifying as straight and bisexual, but other than that, I don’t know any bisexual men – several women, but almost no men.
As for your analogy, I’m still not certain what the difference between atheism and agnosticism is. It seems to be at the sole definition of whoever professes that belief or lack thereof. I’ve met agnostics who are in some ways, more hardcore atheistic than I am.
I can see the comparability to some of the bad blood between agnostics/atheists, but at the same time, I don’t think it is totally comparable. To the extent that some atheists think agnostics only call themselves that because they are afraid of “admitting” their atheism, I can see how that would compare to beliefs about bisexuality.
However, the big difference is that you *can* be attracted to both genders. Can you both believe and not believe in God?
Thanks for sharing. I know exactly what you mean. Even though I’m gay, not bi, it took me a long time to come to terms with that because of that teaching in the church – everyone’s inherently heterosexual. My being gay translated into me being even more “far gone” in sin/temptation than you because I had no attraction to women. It’s a terrible thing the church does to rob people of their identities and self-confidence in who they are, forcing us to fit into a mould we’ll never be able to fit into.
And I’m glad that you now feel part of the community. We need you.
Thanks, Craig. But while I feel more a part of and sympthatic to the LGBT community, I’ll still be somewhat of a heretic ha ha. That’s just my contrarian nature, I guess. For example, I don’t like gay pride parades and festivals. The LGBT community needs to communicate that we are normal people (neighbors, sons, daughters, coworkers, etc.), but that is NOT what is communicated at gay pride events—what with the drag queens, and the oiled up near-naked bodies, etc. If a straight person’s only exposure to the LGBT community is these events, then they’ll (understandably) walk away with the impression that gays are juvenile and hyper-sexual. That’s actually why I think marriage is important for gay couples. Marriage confers a sense of commitment and fidelity that I think the gay community needs. So when straight people disagree with the supposed “gay lifestyle”, then all the more reason to support gay marriage! This funny video illustrates this point beautifully: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vx_MpRP39as
Well I certainly don’t agree with that position at all, but that’s ok. I think that the more diversity of opinion in any group, the better off the group is.
Yeah, I have to point out here that this really doesn’t make you an “LGBT heretic.” There are plenty of people in the ‘coalition’ (I guess you might say) that disagree with these kinds of things.
This isn’t even just a LGBT group. I mean, every minority group has this sort of debate. For blacks…do we go the “civil disobedience” route a la MLK Jr or do we go via more active resistance and protest (a la malcolm x.) And even that is mirrored in the much older ideological disagreement between Booker T. Washington and W.E.B. Du Bois.)
I read an article about a book about Malcolm X & MLK Jr, (ok, this is very second-hand sounding…) and its central idea was that Malcolm was vital for MLK to be seen and heard. Before Malcolm came on the scene, MLK was seen as radical, but after Malcolm rose to national prominence, people realized that (obviously) MLK was more moderate.
I think the same can work in this instance.
I hope so, Andrew. And I think you’re right.
By the way, I just barely watched Malcolm X for the first time. Good flick.
It’s important to note that Pride isn’t for the straight community. It’s neither a tool to get civil rights, nor to create dialogue. It’s for us. It’s about throwing off the shame and guilt and heteronormativity we grew up with and celebrating our acceptance of ourselves as we really are, fags, dykes, trannies, drag kings and queens. Gender outlaws. Those who reject the sexual and gender social norms that was forced on us. It’s about pride in yourself and in the diversity of your community.
If curmudgeonly straight people get offended because we’re colourful, wholeheartedly embrace our sexuality, and don’t conform to their idea of gender properness, then fuck them. It’s not about them. It’s about us. And need all the pride and self-respect we can get.
I hadn’t thought of it in that way…I guess the comparison does fail in that sense…I could probably make a different kind of comparison now (more of a cultural one…about either standing out as unique or assimilating into the majority…), but I won’t.
It is interesting that bisexuality seems to be less prevalent in males. Part of this may be directly because of the harsh social stigma against gay males, and more leniency for females. Those that do have some straight inclinations may tend to maximize those tendencies to fit in.
I feel that for many, sexual preference is on a scale, not black or white.
Oh, and the gay community can at times be hostile towards bisexuals as you mentioned.
http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/2010/04/22/2010-04-22_lawsuit_gay_softball_league_said_team_wasnt_gay_enough_to_play.html
I also agree with the problems with gay pride events. Sure diversity is important, but is such an extreme show necessary. I wouldn’t want children watching some of the stuff that goes on there, bondage, nudity etc, until the kids are old enough to make an educated decision about which fetishes they would like to pursue
Neil Patric Harris is a great example, and personal hero of mine, of a gay man who is striving for normalcy. Being gay doesn’t define who he is, it is just one aspect of his personality among many. And one that is important enough to try and keep private, while not hiding it.
Great honest post! Loved reading it.
“Sure diversity is important, but is such an extreme show necessary[?] (sic)”
“…a gay man who is striving for normalcy.”
Your version of normal, your version of extreme. For others, including me, a drag queen is normal. A trannie is normal. A well-muscled guy wearing nothing but a speedo while dancing is normal.
I’d rather live in a world where “OMG Think of the chidren!” wasn’t ever used as an argument to perpetuate the majority’s version of normalcy and stamp out diversity. The pride parade in Salt Lake City particularly is very child friendly. There’s not a single thing that would in any way harm a child. It might shock some prudish and narrow-minded adults, but children are generally a lot more accepting.
k thanks for extremifying my argument
“I’m striving to be an example of normalcy,” is a quote directly from Harris as an individual within the gay community, not me attempting to ostracize transvestites or drag queens. Harris has some views that I really like. The importance of monogamous relationships regardless of sexual preference, the importance of more mainstream gay couples to join in the battle because they are easier to connect with for many people. These views are often not expressed as much because most of the energy in any movement comes from those more active and usually more extreme.
http://www.pridesource.com/article.html?article=31560
The fact that gay pride events often showcase the extreme is just an aspect of any type of protest, not a value judgment made by me against the gay community. And there are many besides me who feel that those aspects actually hinder the ability of the gay rights movement to reach many Americans because it is so different. Jon probably said it better than me, but while I support gay rights, there are things I would rather not see.
I don’t have a problem with drag queens or transvestites, my problem is only with nudity. The “think of the children argument” has nothing to do with them catching the gay bug, but only has to do with over exposure of a sort that I don’t agree with and has nothing to do with gender preference.
This is just another example of why it difficult to critique or discuss sub-cultures. Any statements I make about how they could do better, or problems they have is directly translated as not being open minded enough or homophobic/racist etc. I know you don’t know me and maybe I wasn’t very clear on my views initially, but I am not the enemy here, and my arguments are from the view of a political moderate who 100% supports gay rights.
I’m am not concerned about homo or hetero sexual relationships as a choice. Big deal, let’s move on. Relation is primary and either relation meets a primary need of being a human. In fact, it seems that my god has designed nature to increase the importance of homosexual relationships as a release valve for the stresses of overpopulation. In this sense, homosexuality is a godly design. Overpopulation stresses have moved into evil categories for humanity and nature in my mind. Having a large number of biological children is neglectfully damaging to the human community. I am for removing the tax deduction for children beyond 2 children, unless those extra children are adopted or part of a foster relationship. Fertility Doctors are not needed as far as I am concerned.
Here is my real point —
Of greater importance than the discussion about homosexual relations is a discussion of the ethics of sexuality. I do say that ethical sex is within the context of a committed long term partner relation. This might be serial long-term commitments, but ethically it is important to place sexuality in an exclusive relationship. With this in mind I do support civil unions for hetero and homosexual couples. Health safety and psychological well-begin would be the basis for this ethical statement. Objections to exclusive relationship for sex?
If one prefers freer sexuality (multiple partners in a short time, etc.), I suggest that it is minimally ethical to at least require (even by law) that one must tell one’s partners about other sexual encounters.
Sex outside a committed longterm relationship is unethical.
Hidden promiscuous sex is terribly unethical.
Large biological families is marginally unethical during this era of overpopulation.
?
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