02.12
One of SHAFT’s primary functions is as a social sanctuary of sorts. In so religious a state as ours, where people with no religious beliefs are sometimes ostracized, it’s important that atheists/agnostics find like-minded or sympathetic company. Otherwise, being an atheist/agnostic in Utah can be a lonely experience.
I’ve had the good fortune never to experience that kind of loneliness—at least not for extended periods of time. Both my family and friends are accepting of my atheism, so my relationships haven’t suffered for it. If anything, my social life has been enhanced as an atheist, having met a lot of extraordinary people through SHAFT.
No, the loneliness I feel is more profound, more persistent. It’s a loneliness that isn’t diminished even when I’m surrounded by people. It’s that feeling that you’re stuck in your own head—that because you cannot express every thought, nobody will ever truly know you.
This, of course, is nothing unique to atheists. Perhaps it’s the human condition. But this mind-as-prison loneliness, for me, worsened without a belief in god.
Atheist author Christopher Hitchens often remarks that he’s relieved there is no god. He abhors the notion of a god who monitors our thoughts as tyrannical. “Who wishes,” he asks in the introduction to The Portable Atheist, “that there was a permanent, unalterable celestial despotism that subjected us to continual surveillance and could convict us of thought-crime[?]”
Like Hitchens, I find that god, the Abrahamic god, objectionable. I do, however, wish that there were some being who knew my every waking thought—the good, the bad, and the ugly. And when I did believe in such a being, I felt less lonely. (To be sure, believing that my thoughts were being monitored was cause for anxiety. But that anxiety was outweighed by the comfort of having someone totally understand you, and more than you understand yourself.)
So to compensate for no longer believing in any omniscient being, I try to be radically open, honest, and expressive. It borders on voyeurism, really. And often my frankness comes at the expense of social tact. On first dates, for example, I volunteer all the most embarrassing information about me. If they’re still interested in me after these disclosures (and they rarely are ha ha), then they’re worth dating.
My blogging, too, has largely been driven by this loneliness. It allows me to free some thoughts from my head—well, to the extent that I can articulate them into words.
All that said, I don’t regret losing my faith. I enjoy a happy, meaningful life. But I do nonetheless miss aspects of the religious experience, including that sense of being understood.
Interesting post… Knowing and being known are fundamental for everyone. I never thought about God fulfilling that… perhaps, as a believer, I could consider that a benefit. I think at some point in my early twenties I stopped worrying or even thinking about the idea that God is concerned about my thoughts, but I can see how anxious that would make people, and it probably made me anxious in the past.
“On first dates, for example, I volunteer all the most embarrassing information about me”
Just remember, there is something called “idiosyncratic credit” – or at least a prof of mine made it up, haha. I prefer when meeting new people to let that stuff out, just a little at a time. Letting it all out right up front can be too much to handle for anyone.
I think that is one of the major attractions Paganism held for me. I was able to escape the tyranny of an Abrahamic god while still imagining a personal relationship, with not just one, but many gods/goddesses.
I think it makes human contact more important though.
Loneliness if for people who are too fucking stupid to entertain themselves.
Blaming your loneliness on atheism is like blaming being poor on the fact that you refuse to work.
STFU, get out and DO something, you simpering cunt
It seems you stave away the loneliness by occupying yourself with leaving ignorant comments on posts you obviously didn’t read.
Lol, wow, ok guys, so what should our moderation policy be? I submit that in the following cases posts can and should be deleted:
- Worthless trolling like the above
- Advocating physical violence or other illegal activity
- Revealing personal information about another user without their permission
Anything else?
Wowzers, Bez is in pain.
And yes, what is your moderation policy?
Use of the word “cunt”
Ring of Gyges ftw.
I don’t censor. I keep the ugly comments up, and allow people to respond to them. Cooler heads (like Mike L.) almost always prevail.
I don’t think this blog is in much need for moderation. I ask that people be civil and respectful, but also honest and open. And when those things are in conflict, most have been able to balance them appropriately.
I would obviously remove comments that I felt disclosed personal information about somebody else, however.
Lots of people are poor because they refuse to work, the problem is they blame it on “The Man” or some crap.
But thanks for stopping by Bez, next time try to not squat on the sidewalk and crap in one the more decent parts of town.
I agree with Mike on a moderation policy. A good way to enforce may be to find the geographical location of the ip and beat the commenter with clubs.
*crickets chirp*
No?
Pretty much, though it may be less criminal to just mock or ignore the trolls as the case is appropriate.
A quick comment for now, interesting distinction you make here between the Abrahamic omnipotence and what you still desire. I’m not an atheist but I find myself taken more by Nietzschean (there’s that name again) atheism because I think its more profound. There is something more inspiring and more troubling in a deep way about it. One spot I agree with him is that I tend to prefer the Abrahamic god of the Pentatuc (Old Testament) over the newer guy. I don’t mind a “tyrant” or at least I don’t see it that way. A tyrant seeks comfort and power, the aristocrat seeks the Good, which in a strange and very conflicting narrative is what the OT god seeks, the NT god seems too strained as a wishy washy human. I think the weakness of Christ’s parables is they make his god too human, too pitiable. It seems (to me) to destroy the sanctity and reverance of I am what am.
Of course, as Linford and Jon here can both tell you, the problem there lies in the fact that you have at first taken that which is to be Being and made into a being, when Being is not a being, or a that, or a a, but rather Being is.
If I might veer back to the original topic. My experience is very different from Jon’s. I’m not actually a fan of being completely known and understood. It’s sort of invasive and smothering in my mind. This is why though I’m personally friends with a great many shaft members I was never interested in formally participating in the group itself. Being surrounded by a bunch of people who supposedly understand where I’m coming from just seems oppressive and takes away from my freedom to divulge parts of who I am to people only when I so desire. I like being muli-layered and private. Even back in the day I was pretty sure god and I never really got each other entirely. To me the idea of having god in my head only meant he knew what I was thinking not necessarily that he understood me. I guess the point of my response is that part of the impulse to be an atheist for me is enjoyment of that solitude and unknowability. The rare person who does understand me on a deeper level I appreciate all the more because that means they individually took the time, effort and interest to achieve that level of knowing and its that that I value… not the knowing itself. Omniscient god could never give me that because “he” didn’t have to work at it at all.
Love it. Great thoughts.
Christopher Hitchen’s once again makes absolutely no sense as he clearly has no understanding of God beyond the ‘Religious’ God, which is man made and therefore false. He has wasted his life fighting an enemey that was not there; that does not exist. How could such a bright man be so incredibly dumb? Why did he spend so much time fighting ‘soft targets’ such as Religious dogma. Yes, silly, but enough already. The Religious God was created to help give give people some comfort and understanding of the world 2000 years ago in a framework they could understand and accept. yes, there is God, but not a pre-school God. Try thinking a little deeper Christopher.
Oh Yes
there are worse things than
being alone
but it often takes decades
to realize this
and most often
when you do
it’s too late
and there’s nothing worse
than
too late.
-Bukowski
“It’s that feeling that you’re stuck in your own head—that because you cannot express every thought, nobody will ever truly know you.”
I love the way you worded this. I have been focused on this feeling lately but haven’t been able to articulate it. Thank you!
This is an interesting post.
I wouldn’t say I feel “lonely,” per se, but “alienated,” and I think that feeling of “alienation” captures some of the same things you talk about. (E.g., you can be in a crowd of people and still feel ALIENATED.)
My problem is…the idea of god doesn’t seem to make me feel LESS alien. Especially with the kinds of things attribute to God. For example, imagine I grew up in the past — then I’d be “alien” because I’d have to grapple with the fact that God doesn’t “really” understand what it means to be black because God is white and my job is to “overcome” myself and my blackness.
You think this is just a struggle for previous eras? No, this is a struggle that people have to deal with now. The church (and most other religions) don’t go on about race that much, but homosexuality and bisexuality? There’s the current disconnect between constructions of most deities and human experience.
Or even something as belief. I am being told by people that I can just “choose” what I believe, so I have to feel that their experiences are alien and incompatible to mine, because I don’t see that to be the case at all.
…I could probably imagine a deity who completely understands me, but then I wouldn’t believe that deity to actually be real.
P.S. now I want to know “all the most embarrassing info” about Jon. Who should I get in contact with to find this information out? Is there a newsletter to subscribe to?
Ha ha. I’ve published some of the amusing embarrassing info in a Facebook note entitled something like “Everything You Never Cared to Know About Jon Adams”. A lot of the funny stuff revolves around my love life (or lack thereof). My first (and last) kiss story is particularly pathetic.
As for the rest of your comment, Andrew, I totally agree. There were certainly times were I though, by virtue of my being bisexual, the Mormon god never fully understood me. But that feeling was pretty rare. Other times I felt like I was understood because the Savior experienced every tribulation/temptation in Gethsemane. An interesting theological question then is whether Jesus actually experienced homosexual temptations. Wouldn’t he have had too in order to fully understand the plight of gay Mormons?
You also made a great point about race and feeling alienated from a white god. I of course never experienced that disconnect, but I can imagine how difficult that might be for some.
well, that definitely made me go “hmm” a few times in there. LOL
From a Mormon perspective, the funny thing is that the homosexual temptations question could change based on Mormon beliefs at the time. Are homosexual temptations a sin? If yes, then no, Jesus never experienced it. BUT if temptations are not a sin until you act upon them, then why not?
My problem is more: suppose he experienced every temptation. That still is not like experiencing sin itself and repentance. If I say to my friend in the hospital, all broken and banged up, “Yeah, man, I was once tempted to jump off a cliff too…but…yeah…I didn’t.”
Then I don’t really understand what it’s like.
Albeit, I guess the atonement allows for quite a bit more understanding than that.
Even though I picked a few big ticket items, I think having an embodied god creates alienation in all sorts of areas of embodiment. Gender (do we believe in heavenly mother or not? even if we do, the way she is treated in our doctrine [silent partner] doesn’t say a lot of great things to women in the church). Race. Sexuality. Weight??? Height??? On and on and on we could go.
I really appreciate this post, Jon. I agree with you that loneliness is a human condition. I especially agree that blogging can make a difference. I find that being able to accurately put into words my more inward thoughts make them easier to manage. Having feelings is a common experience. Being aware of those feelings requires a certain amount of self awareness. But then being able to successfully corral those feelings into sentences and paragraphs–that is the highest level, and I find it to be such a powerful human experience.
At any rate, Jon, thanks for the honesty. Is total integrity required to be truly articulate? I think so.
Very nice post, good luck!