My Hotmail account was recently hacked and was completely inaccessible to me for weeks. Well, after contacting customer support yesterday, I finally recovered my account. I don’t really use my Hotmail any more, but there were a lot of old email correspondences there that I didn’t want to lose. One such correspondence was a debate between my priesthood quorum leader and I that took place in March 2005. More about that later.
In late 2004 and early 2005, I began having serious doubts about my testimony of the LDS Church. (These doubts were initially precipitated by a few unsavory quotes I read in Bruce R. McConkie’s Mormon Doctrine.) And as my doubts grew, I raised increasingly difficult questions in church classes—questions regarding blacks and the priesthood, the Fall, and the problem of evil. I wasn’t seeking to sow seeds of doubt in others’ minds; rather, I was just sincerely looking for answers.
My priesthood quorum leader, Brother Crane, was eager to answer my questions. We exchanged a series of emails, and I’d like to share one of my responses to him.
First, I’d like to thank you for your kind words of concern. It meant a great deal to me. I do worry, however, that there is a misunderstanding. The questions I raise in quorum do not relate to my reservations about the church. I’ve always been one to criticize and analyze. Granted, I have been lacking when it comes to worthiness and testimony, but I think it’s dangerous to write off all reasonable thought as blasphemy (not that I feel you’re suggesting that). A wise and just God endowed us all with logic, and thus the means to evaluate the moral and intellectual depths of our existence. I think it’s best that we employ it.
Again, questions concerning the role of Satan or the Fall pose no threat to my faith; they simply make me marvel at the complexity of our Heavenly Father’s plan. In fact, it is the things that I hold to be true, not those that I question, that shake my testimony most. Reading Bruce R. McConkie’s Mormon Doctrine brought more harm to me spiritually than any anti-Mormon book could have. As a liberal, and indeed as a Christian, I take great offense to McConkie’s reference to blacks as “inferior”. I take great offense when he supports the institution of segregation by claiming its of God’s eternal design. And as Latter-Day-Saints, we all ought to be offended and embarrassed by how poorly represented we have been by an apostle of ours. … The God I love and worship would never forsake His children.
And though I still believe the Church to be a force for good and largely for truth, I cannot testify to the validity of our being the only true gospel. … Mormon culture is a different story entirely. If we are to judge something by the fruits it bears, whether they be good or bad, then our church, I feel, is in poor shape.
Regardless of its intentions, which I’m sure mean well, this society (and specifically, a few families in the ward) has treated me as someone to be feared and avoided. I want you to know that, beneath my facial hair and political zeal, I’m a good person. I’m not the tough, intimidating intellectual so many people make me out to be. I care for people with a love words fail to describe—I have the most amazing friends and family. So it hurts when people from our ward consider me to be a hell-bound tool of Satan’s.
As long as we distort God’s law to justify hatred and fear, and embrace legalizing discrimination (whether it be against homosexuals, minorities, or non-members), it is difficult for me to draw solace and support from this community. Of course, no excuse for my not having been ordained a priest. I just meant to outline that before any progress is made with regards to the priesthood, I first must regain my testimony, which is far from irreparable.
Again, thank you for your advice and concern. I’ll give what you wrote and provided the thought and prayer they deserve. I’m very blessed to have you as a priesthood leader. My remarks about Mormon society at large were by no means directed to you, or anyone holding high offices in our church. I respect and love you very much Bro. Crane. Don’t be afraid to be bold with me. I have a stubborn soul with which a good deal may be required.
Take care and God bless.
Our conversation ended with this email, because weeks later Brother Crane died in a sudden and tragic accident. His death itself became a source of doubt for me, and might have accelerated my leaving the LDS Church.
I’ve shared with you some of my writings while I was Mormon. This email, though, represents the short-lived phase in my life where I still believed, but had considerable doubts. So it was fun for me to revisit. I especially get a kick out of how self-important and angsty I sounded then. (Do I still write that way?!) I hope you found it interesting, too. Perhaps you can relate. If so, please share your ‘deconversion’ story.
I don’t think it sounds self-important or angsty; it just sounds like an honest kid trying to do the right thing.
When I was missionary-ing, a companion had a photocopied book of Mormon Doctrine. Being the bookworm that I was, (I read the standard works in 6 months, plus more) I skimmed all ~1000 pages, and read all the interesting sections. I had a major surprise when I read that blacks are inferior because they weren’t as valiant in the spirit world. Before then, I had no problem treating these books as the words of god. But then I had to make the choice of whether blacks really were inferior , or that McConkie was wrong. I could not accept that he was “speaking as a man” because God very clearly states that he would not let his apostles lead his people astray. I wrestled with it over night, but just had to put it on the shelf. At one point, I found myself thinking, “Well, I guess God is racist, so… racism is actually right?” It didn’t sit well with me so I stopped thinking about it. But this was just one speed bump among many, many, more which preceded my fall from grace.