For the past four years, as I have apostatized and cast off old beliefs or fears, the LDS church has been able to count me towards their membership tally as they announce their numbers over the pulpit at General Conference. Today is the last day that will happen.
The idea isn’t anything new, but the timing certainly is. Before I had planned to wait until I moved out of Utah, in an attempt to avoid potential conflict with my family. One of my parents is well-known in the community and I was worried over attempts to contact them in an effort to dissuade me. Packer’s remarks changed that.
I suppose I’m starting at the wrong end of things. I spoke with Jon a few weeks ago and expressed a desire to write for the SHAFT blog a little. I’ve yet to write any of my story’s beginning, and I can hardly be closer to a sort of end than resigning, yet here I am.
For the sake of clarity, I’ll give a brief overview of the time since I married. Prior to marriage, I was attending church weekly on the condition of my residing with my parents. I had not taken the sacrament in over a year and was keenly aware of my mother’s disapproval. My father was a bishop at the time, physically and emotionally removed from myself and my non-act that implicated a wide range of potential sins. Marriage saw me leave their house (freedom!) and move to Logan, Utah. The local ward left us alone for a month before my dad remembered to forward my records. We had a visit from two ward members and a few sessions with missionaries before contact dropped off. After five months we moved to Ogden and found ourselves surprisingly pleased with a malfunctioning doorbell – if the ward tried to contact us, we never knew.
After a year we bought a house and just three weeks after moving in I had my first visiting teaching visit in two years. The visits were monthly for a short while, before tapering off into an occasional attempt to call and set up an appointment. June saw the arrival of a letter from a woman who said, “The RS president told me to write you.” The woman is certainly committed – letters arrive shortly before the end of the month, accompanied by the standard ward “handout.” I’d decided this was an acceptable level of bother for me and felt content to wait two years before officially resigning. All of that changed this afternoon.
As I read some of the comments Elder Packer made in regards to the LGBT community, I felt more and more sick and concerned. The thing he said, the way he said them – all of them were ways of condemning people for their sexuality and putting the blame squarely on their shoulders. Something about the way the words were so carefully crafted to avoid any outright statements, yet spoke so clearly of his disgust, shifted my resolve. I was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness for those striving to live a Mormon existence as they struggle to accept themselves and gripped with anger and disgust that my name was still counted among their flock. I still posses great concern over my parents’ reaction, if (and likely when) they find out, but I will not put it off any longer. I will side with my integrity and free myself from this false association with the LDS church.
Some may ask why one name matters, or why I’m willing to risk familial harmony by doing this. I do it for the same reason I no longer call myself a Mormon: I no longer believe or follow the practices laid down by the LDS faith. I no longer submit myself to their authority, or expect any assistance or blessings from them. I know this. My husband and friends and family know this. The LDS church needs to know this too.
Good luck with the resignation process and please let us all know how it goes. I intend to resign some time in the near future as well, but am waiting for certain events to unfold so as not to freak out some of my family. I’ve heard rumors that the LDS Church sometimes still reports officially resigned ex-members as members, but I hope those rumors are false.
I also decided on Sunday that I was officially going to have my name removed from the LDS membership records. For so long I’ve convinced myself that it wasn’t worth the pain it might cause my family, but I can’t continue to be affiliated with a religion that is spreading so much hate. I need to take a stand for what I believe to be right and I can only hope that many others choose to do the same… Thank you for writing this
Good for you, sis <3 I hope things don't go too poorly with the folks and even if they do, you know we're always here for you.
I don't understand how people would prefer dishonest lip service to faith over honest departure from it. Hopefully your family will see it this way and accept your decision with nothing more stressful than disappointed resignation.
I did this after Prop 8. It was very difficult, even after having been inactive for a decade. Afterwards, I felt better about it than I could have imagined. Good luck and congratulations!
I have noticed many people, including myself feeling the same way. I too was going to put off my resignation until I moved away from Utah and my family, but now I feel it needs to be done as soon as possible. Thank you for writing this!
I respect the decision to remove your name from the records of the church. But I also know and respect people who stay in, and even attend, even if they don’t believe the truth claims of the church and don’t agree with everything the leadership does. Some people think they can do more good from within then outside of the church. Others find a lot of good in the sense of community and opportunities to serve and other positive aspects of the church. The thing about being in this second group is that it seems temporary. I don’t know anyone who has stayed active in the church long term as an atheist or nonbeliever. I think eventually you would feel like it compromises your integrity to stay.
My husband has been officially out for over a year – the day he got the confirmation was one of the happiest of his life.
http://the-iron-rod.blogspot.com/2010/09/how-i-became-formon.html
So telling black people that they were second class citizens in the eyes of God until 1978 was fine and dandy, but now that a church leader reiterates the church’s anti-gay stance you suddenly resign?
There are plenty of reasons to leave the church, and they go all the way back to Joseph Smith Jr’s 14 year old wives and marrying of women who already had husbands. In comparison to the hateful history of the church towards blacks and gays, Packer’s comments are pretty tame. Good on you for resigning anyways, but what took you so long?
I think it’s fair to say that, after growing up in that culture, to do the thing which is essentially rejecting the idea of being with your family in the afterlife, the thing that makes every Mormon friend and family member think, “I don’t know if we can even talk to them anymore,” is an incredibly difficult decision to make. It’s not just about “can I let myself be associate with these people?” I don’t think it’s even mostly about that. I think that for most, it’s about whether or not they think they can handle the possibility of being completely rejected by the people they care about the most.
The same could be said of polygamy, prop 8, the way the treat women – any number of things. For whatever reason, the comments from Sunday hit me on a level that made me realize this isn’t something that should wait.
Powerful. Amazing story. I’m posting a link to this on my post about Packer’s talk.
The church will just keep pushing people further and further away.
Thanks for the personal story. I admire the ability of SHAFT to encourage reasonable discourse, but to also provide a human aspect presented in a positive way when needed. Too many allow bitter feelings about members/leadership/doctrine to cloud their judgment and envenom their words, and I think members need to be exposed to situations like these, told in a good way, to encourage understanding.
As a member I am sad to see so many here officially leave. But I understand your reasons and respect your decisions.
One quick thing, being a home teacher can be very difficult, but especially so if there are hints that such visits are annoyances or unwanted. I hope the failings of the home teachers weren’t a major decision in your choice to leave. From your response it almost seemed like you were annoyed at the genuine attempts, and conversely criticized the weaker ones; the ones why tried were obnoxious, the ones who didn’t were hypocritical.
Thank you for your side of things – it’s always encouraging to see LDS members who can understand the other side. I’m fortunate enough to have LDS friends who share similar views as you.
My annoyance with the visiting teachers (at least the ones at our current residence, as they were the first semi-regular contact) was the lack of communication prior to visits and an occasion where they went through with a visit, despite my explicit statement that I was in the middle of finals but would be willing to meet later in the month. As for the woman who has been writing letters, I may have worded it poorly – I much prefe rthe letters, and as far as being a “bother,” they really haven’t been. After several unannounced visits, the letters have been a refreshing change, as the sister is (I hope) able to fulfill her visiting teaching calling and I can read the letter at my leisure.
In the end, neither of these are major decisions – simply part of the experience of being mentally out, if not out in record. I will be writing more about my experience down the road, but in the end, it boils down to one thing: I do not believe. The Book of Mormon, the divinity of Christ, the restoration of a gospel by Joseph Smith – none of these are beliefs I can claim, and with that lackl, I cannot honestly call myself a Mormon, and have not done so for years. My increasing conflict with the views and teachings of the LDS church came to a head Sunday, and I feel very strongly about having my name associated with a religion when I disagree on a deeply fundamental level.